Only the second post, and here I am straying from my prescribed subject matters. The second post was supposed to be about a bread-baking adventure. It's still stored in draft form from weeks ago. The post before that one even was supposed to be a review of PDX Pop Now! 2007. Let's suppose I'm just not much of a journaler/blogger these days, and I'm still trying to transition from LiveJournal to Blogger.
But this is ridiculous. I'm not particularly feminine. My natural grace is lacking. My voice is not sweet and soothing. I have a hard time nurturing. My feet are large and wide. I am a chemist. (Not a strikingly feminine career.) My hair is shortish, my shoulders wide. And, let's face it, I have a more of a 'stache than the typical female and most young men, but I'm kind of over caring about it and keep it around, unbleached, unwaxed, unlasered, as a testament to my attempts at being completely comfortable with my body. (Attempts, attempts, trying trying trying.) However, given all that, I still think I'm pretty outrightly female, if not my huge breasts and wide hips, then at least the overall suggestion that my parts and attributes make toward my gender identity.
Why is it, then, that I can't go a week without being referred to as "sir" or referenced as "he" or "him"? For the most part it's been at work--I make a helpful remark to visitors and the parent interprets it to their child, but says "Did you hear? He says it's because of..." or I'll hear "Pardon me, sir?" directed at me. The first time it happened, it was a cute mistake. The second, an odd coincidence. The third worried me a little, but the final, final straw came when I was at a venue, idling my time between band sets, and someone--a male in my age bracket--squeezed past to get to the bar, uttering, "'Scuse me, sir." Ok, now, at the museum, there's a lot going on, visitors are not really paying full attention to everything, lots of distractions, my lab coat hides a lot of features, so a "sir" remark or two is permissible. But I am out on my free time. I am engaging my social role, going to a bar to see a band, I am playing the game that you play at places like that, all sex: music is sex, sipping your drink is sex, eying audience members is sex, your narrow pants and fun shoes and band t-shirt and hair mussed just so and nonchalant pose is sex. The game you play at venues and shows and bars is sex. I am female. I play the female part in the game of sex which for me is hetero and I do NOT want a potential player, even if the potential be so so minuscule as to be negligible, thinking I am a dude. (Unless he was cute and into dudes in which case... but I digress.)
The following arguments are going to sound superficial and trite thanks to my lack of clarity when arguing. I'm all for fluid gender roles. Yes, I think our language and society lack enough words and understanding to describe the various genders of which people identify. There was even a time when I sought more androgyny and primarily shopped in the mens' section, strove to play mens' roles in classes, and I still mostly find comfort in mens' shoes. I've deviated from that to being rather nonchalant or calmly feminine, even going so far as wearing dresses casually instead of reserving them for "nice" occasions. I've adopted more traditionally feminine roles in embracing cooking and baking and feeding others. I want to be soft and sweet and nurturing as much as I want to be tough and protecting and striving.
This is probably a good time to mention that lately I've realized that I'm struggling to get out of my clearcut views. Growing up, this were either very clearly one thing or another, no gray zones, even through most of college, which I think led to some of the snags. Chemistry is comfortable because it is so clearly either black or white, proven or theoretical or wrong, things that work and click together or cannot, will not work. As interactions progress in the greater world, I've tried adopting a broader accept and move on attitude rather than getting hung up on the judgment of clearly good or clearly bad, though I have to be very very conscious of it. It's all human, infinitely complex and varied. Accept and move on.
But still, I am soo not a sir.
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1 comment:
wow, thanks for sharing, elizabeth. gender and sexuality are difficult and complex for everyone, especially when you consider, as you did here, the fact that gender has both a social/personality/role function as well as a sexual function. Ideally, our social and role identities would not be affected at all by our gender and sexuality.
But when it comes to sex, we should be able to advertise ourselves and what we want clearly. I feel like I have issues with expressing my gayness, and sometimes when I try, people say I am not acting "authentically." Or I'm merely lifting from stereotypes and therefore somehow bringing harm to my community. Yargh! I also want to express my sexuality identity as a political statement of homovisibility, as well, and to also state that I am different from hetero males, and give myself a sort of safe space around myself, in which I can feel an integrity and confidence. All of this has been hard for me to develop fully.
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